illness update !

i’ve gotten a bunch of very cool and concerned messages about being sick ! like, 91 of them to be precise ! i’m okay ! i’ll be back soon ! i have been dealing with pretty serious anxiety and depression since i was about 6 years old, and i’m currently taking a medication that works faster for anxiety than depression- meaning, i have JUST the depression right now, without the anxiety. meaning the ‘oh no you have to go to work or you’ll get fired, you HAVE to get up and go pee or you’ll get a UTI, you have to eat food or you’ll starve to death, you have to take a shower or you will get a crust of dirt on you and mrs. piggle wiggle will plant radishes in it !’ feelings are gone, leaving me… unable to do anything. meaning that i get mentally overwhelmed by the pain of life and end up spending like 20 hours a day in bed feeling like the simplest tasks (feeding myself, drinking water, going to the bathroom, bathing, answering e-mails, answering my phone, blog postin’, leaving the house) would take an amount of energy i couldn’t even fathom and CERTAINLY don’t have.

as my dose has increased to the therapeutic amount now, i should be fine soon- the medication i’m on is, thankfully, the magic medication for me. i’ve taken it before, but had to go off it because there was no generic (there’s a generic now !) and it was prohibitively expensive, which led to my backslide into this mess. it’s the first one i’ve taken in my life that actually makes me able to lead a somewhat ‘normal’ life, and i’ve tried dozens of medications since 1990 or so. it also gives me enough clarity that talk therapy is actually beneficial to me, which is also a new feeling- all my life, my head was so clouded by anxiety that therapy was just a confusing, awkward mess.

anyway, i finally got up to my full dose last week, and i’m already feeling better and more capable and able to do things. i’m on intermittent FMLA at work, and i’m out of paid time, soooo this has been a scary month, with things like $38 paychecks. my partner is helping me out, but as a former poor kid, i feel bummed about that; we’re saving up to move and my lack of income means we… aren’t saving up to move. i’m hoping to be able to return to work nearly full time next week, though. fingers crossed ! 

anyway, i love you nerds, thank you for your supportive messages. i know this is supposed to be a funny blog so i always feel awkward posting serious/personal stuff, but whatever. SUE ME ! don’t sue me i can’t afford legal fees.

p.s. i laid around so much this past month that my cats got bored with laying around. that’s right- i laid around more than a fucking cat !  that’s ALL they do besides knock stuff off of surfaces, get fur everywhere, and parkour off of my body as they tear around the house at random intervals.

p.p.s. don’t worry, i’m not asking you guys for money ! i think i’ll be okay ! but if all 8500 of you paypal 3 cents to coolthoughts@nervous.org, i’ll be able to buy a pair of frye ankle boots for ‘self care’. just saying.

sad trombone

i recently did the modcloth stylish surprise- where you pay $10 to get a random clothing item.  since i had a $20 store credit, i splurged and purchased 3.  i have to say, the hopeful anticipation i’ve felt for the past 5 days since i placed the order was pretty nice.  i was riding high, imagining them making some kind of horrible mistake where they sent me one of their current dresses that i actually liked, fantasizing about receiving this, or this because some modcloth stylist fell asleep at the wheel. the fool ! 

anyway, spoiler alert, all the stuff i got totally sucks.

the first item was this sweater, which looks okay (if not my style) in the photo on their website:

but the 4X version is about one foot long and five feet wide. it looks like a sweater you got on clearance at torrid and have had/washed for five years and never wear anymore because it’s so baggy and short also, the bow is attached by a safety pin?  it’s also somehow blurry in real life, like the way the world looks when i don’t have my glasses on.  i guess it would make a good disguise?

the second dress is… fine. it isn’t ugly. if i found it at ross i’d probably buy it if it was under $20, mostly out of enthusiasm that i found something in my size at all. it is so non-descript that no pictures of it exist on the internet.  it’s a gray a-line dress with black polka dots, short sleeves, and bust darts.  it looks like it would be a little too small for me, but i’m so unenthused about it that i can’t even bear to try it on.  well, that sounded more melodramatic than i meant, but OH GOD I CAN’T BEAR IT !

the last was this dress.

this is like, very not my style (my friend rose described it as what a mobster’s classiest mistress would wear to his funeral) and the sequins are a really ugly yellow-y gold in person, but my main issue is that this dress is labeled 4X, but according to the manufacturer’s size chart, a 4X is a 16/18. so like.. this isn’t even a 4X by modcloth’s old standards (when 4X was a 22). FYI, modcloth’s current 4X is listed as a 28/30, and i assumed when ordering 4X items i’d receive items that were a 28/30. even though it was only $10, i actually complained about this and made them give me my $10 back. haha.

in conclusion, i ended up paying $10 (which was refunded to me) for five days of optimism, so it was worth it, i guess. 

p.s. in other modcloth plus sizing issues news, several people have e-mailed me to tell me that my #1 most coveted modcloth dress is on ebay in a 4X, which i’ll remind you again is listed as a 28/30 on their size chart, and the description from the seller says, “I’d say the dress would fit a size 20/22.” boooooooo modcloth.

off topic ! from your convalescing editor.

i just started watching my mad fat diary online (using the links from this post), and as a fat person who was 15 in 1996, i have to say that it’s completely realistic so far… except for 1) a music snob being impressed by putting ‘sabotage’ by the beastie boys on the jukebox in 1996 (that would be like someone now being impressed that you put “blurred lines” on or something- not that the songs are comparable in quality, but it was an extremely popular song that was all over the radio and mtv at the time) and 2) a fat person finding a bikini in store in 1996?!?! we can’t even do that now !

also there are cute people on this show which is unrealistic, because basically everyone factually looked like shit in the 90s except drew barrymore. no teenagers had any awareness of their eyebrows or hair greasiness.

but other than that, i love it <3

edited to add: a picture of me in 1996, with my friend’s girl scout troop, at disney.  john lennon shirt…? dog choke collar? ‘nerdy’ glasses before they were cool?

image

I don’t think I even need to say anything about this
submitted by windrider127
editor’s note: this is progress- finally a plus size designer understands that even plus size women need fringed neutrals for sensual genuflecting.
jerilinn:

I swear to God Target is trying to make me break up with them. Check out the model they chose for the triumphant return of their missing Plus Size department. Really Target, you do know that there are actual plus-ish sized models that are available to hire right?

come ON target, between ghosting their plus size line forever with no explanation, their photoshopping, their non-plus model use, and that andre-the-giant-esque on strap bathing suit, i am livid.  if they didn&#8217;t have the best price on coke and toothpaste in my area i&#8217;d boycott. also if the monster fighter legos weren&#8217;t on clearance.

jerilinn:

I swear to God Target is trying to make me break up with them. Check out the model they chose for the triumphant return of their missing Plus Size department. Really Target, you do know that there are actual plus-ish sized models that are available to hire right?

come ON target, between ghosting their plus size line forever with no explanation, their photoshopping, their non-plus model use, and that andre-the-giant-esque on strap bathing suit, i am livid.  if they didn’t have the best price on coke and toothpaste in my area i’d boycott. also if the monster fighter legos weren’t on clearance.

I just cannot.
submitted by thecuteinexecute
editor&#8217;s note: i&#8217;d like to invite everyone to the def curvy fashion freestyling jam at the apollo theater. dress code is a big shapeless white t-shirt with a bunch of random garbage written all over it.

I just cannot.

submitted by thecuteinexecute

editor’s note: i’d like to invite everyone to the def curvy fashion freestyling jam at the apollo theater. dress code is a big shapeless white t-shirt with a bunch of random garbage written all over it.

in honor of jezebel linking to me again despite me repeatedly asking gawker media not to link to my blog (100% not interested in being featured in that toxic pit, 100% not interested in people thinking i condone or support content on any gawker media site), i have updated my blog’s header- as you can tell, i’m an html whiz.

thin readers, fat readers, in between readers, come hide under my big fat arms so i can protect all of you from the world that is trying to extinguish the light inside us.

thin readers, fat readers, in between readers, come hide under my big fat arms so i can protect all of you from the world that is trying to extinguish the light inside us.

(Source: i-never-know)

photoshop your way to the lumpy thigh gap of your nightmares.

the lovely neutralize brought this to my attention over the weekend.  this picture is from old navy’s plus size jeans section:

image

a closer look:

image

if you are unaware, a ‘thigh gap’ is exactly what it sounds like- a gap between your thighs. apparently people (especially teenage girls) are currently obsessed with this as the hallmark of acceptable female thinness and are making themselves miserable trying to achieve it. while some bodies at some points in time do naturally have thighs that don’t touch at the top, it is a pretty arbitrary and unrealistic standard for most humans, and most humans would have to do pretty heinous things to their body/mind to try to achieve this standard. it is neither pretty nor ugly nor an indication of value as a human or physical health or physical fitness; it is just a new standard for bodies (especially bodies of people who identify as female) to be held to to keep those who can’t meet it feeling shitty and inadequate and in competition with each other and generally bummed out. 

target has been under fire lately for photoshopping a thigh gap on their juniors models, removing parts of their crotches in their haste to give these teen models bodies they don’t have in real life, to ostensibly make teenagers feel shitty about the fact that they also don’t have that body, or to trick them into thinking everyone BUT them has that body, and also to explicitly tell them that this type of body is the one acceptable body. it’s particularly insidious that they did this in their juniors section- they’ve apologized, but they knew exactly what they were doing and who they were doing it to.

anyway, onto the picture- old navy is apparently photoshopping thigh gaps onto their plus size mannequins. first, let me point out that mannequins are not real- some people my age might remember shows like ‘today’s special' and movies like 'mannequin' that tried to convince us otherwise, but i am mythbusting this right now. now that we have come to the conclusion that mannequins are not real, i just want to say that i find it very weird that mannequins are being held to this arbitrary standard.

old navy’s plus size mannequins do have a weird leg position- one in front of the other, ostensibly so you can tell that they have two separate legs, so it’s easier to get clothes on and off the mannequin, and so dark pants don’t look like a very long skirt that the mormon nerd in ‘twilight’ would’ve worn to her vampire sex prom. as a result, some pants have always shown a little gap in the thigh.  i’ve noticed lately, though, that more and more pairs of pants are being pinned on the mannequins to accentuate the thigh gap, and apparently they are now photoshopping one in where one wasn’t visible or wasn’t apparent enough

now, i’m sure there are plus size people with thigh gaps naturally- it takes all kinds. but like… is that most of us? nope, but at least old navy plus took the time to let us know that we “should” have one. like target, they too know exactly what they’re doing and exactly who they’re targeting. dorks.

hey guys ! i have been Very Ill lately and haven’t had as much time to post junk, but i have some super ugly clothes coming. i love you all and i’m gonna sew a plus size dress big enough so we can all wear it at once. <3

I&#8217;m guessing this designer doesn&#8217;t have a cat.
submitted by losing-my-perspicacity
editor&#8217;s note: if i ever went to one of those cafes that has cats, or a town hired me to pied piper (pied pipe?) all their cats away, i would totally wear those. or if i ever end up being one of those tv cat hoarders whose house is inexplicably full of completely smushed cat skeletons.
p.s. i tried to show my cats this picture to see if they wanted to guest blog but they still can&#8217;t talk or understand pants.

I’m guessing this designer doesn’t have a cat.

submitted by losing-my-perspicacity

editor’s note: if i ever went to one of those cafes that has cats, or a town hired me to pied piper (pied pipe?) all their cats away, i would totally wear those. or if i ever end up being one of those tv cat hoarders whose house is inexplicably full of completely smushed cat skeletons.

p.s. i tried to show my cats this picture to see if they wanted to guest blog but they still can’t talk or understand pants.

i just saw this on simplybe… i would LOVED it in 1990.

http://www.simplybe.com/new-in/fringe-coral-t-shirt/invt/lh104tj

submitted by terminalcrush

editor’s note: for once i am actually speechless.  i don’t know what it is about this but it is like, the last straw. if i was the king of something i’d wage war on some other thing right now.  if i was president, i’d press that red button people allude to but i kinda don’t know what it’s supposed to do (blow up the world? call russia? i dunno, i’m from the 80s). i hate this shirt so much.

diamondpistols:

HASHTAG SEXY. Yikes. On BLACK LACE. WITH FOOTBALL STRIPES.
What’s a gal to choose?! This, the loud animal prints, the ten same tight knit bandage dresses, the skulls, peasant tops or loud florals. HASHTAG DECISIONS.

#what does torrid&#8217;s buyer think sex is

diamondpistols:

HASHTAG SEXY. Yikes. On BLACK LACE. WITH FOOTBALL STRIPES.

What’s a gal to choose?! This, the loud animal prints, the ten same tight knit bandage dresses, the skulls, peasant tops or loud florals. HASHTAG DECISIONS.

#what does torrid’s buyer think sex is

Gabourey Sidibe  | 86th Annual Academy Awards (March 2, 2014

you guys know i’m a luddite and don’t watch awards shows but i can’t not post gaby.

(Source: fionagoddess)

Have you seen Simply Be&#8217;s recent email about their jeans? i&#8217;m pretty sure those aren&#8217;t plus size women in those jeans or they did some major photo shopping. Like WTF?
submitted by hannahrosethings
editor&#8217;s notes: simply be, despite being known as a plus size store, does carry sizes US 10-12, but&#8230; those people don&#8217;t really look like they&#8217;re size 10s either. simply be has a famously clueless marketing/media team and most of their marketing seems to indicate that they think everyone who shops there clearly hates being fat. 
despite that, though, they really aren&#8217;t alone- almost every plus size store chooses to use straight size models or models who are plus size by virtue of being a very tall size 12. and there are definitely people who are very tall size 12s who have to shop at plus size stores&#160;!  but is that most of us? the whole point of showing a garment on a model is to let customers get a feel for how the garment might look on a person, and for most fat people, it isn&#8217;t really helpful to see how they look on the models chosen- my guess is that, like simply be, the stores think we won&#8217;t buy things if we see how they&#8217;ll look on our fat bodies.

Have you seen Simply Be’s recent email about their jeans? i’m pretty sure those aren’t plus size women in those jeans or they did some major photo shopping. Like WTF?

submitted by hannahrosethings

editor’s notes: simply be, despite being known as a plus size store, does carry sizes US 10-12, but… those people don’t really look like they’re size 10s either. simply be has a famously clueless marketing/media team and most of their marketing seems to indicate that they think everyone who shops there clearly hates being fat. 

despite that, though, they really aren’t alone- almost every plus size store chooses to use straight size models or models who are plus size by virtue of being a very tall size 12. and there are definitely people who are very tall size 12s who have to shop at plus size stores !  but is that most of us?

the whole point of showing a garment on a model is to let customers get a feel for how the garment might look on a person, and for most fat people, it isn’t really helpful to see how they look on the models chosen- my guess is that, like simply be, the stores think we won’t buy things if we see how they’ll look on our fat bodies.