For those occasions when you don’t want to go to the picnic, but be the picnic blanket. 
submitted by sititran
editor’s note: my guess is that this is zulily? many years ago i was involved in like, an illicit love triangle that is so ridiculous that you wouldn’t even believe it if i told you but i’ll NEVER tell you because it’s a juicy secret i’m taking to my scandalous grave (really, it was really absurd for a mad magazine tomboy who doesn’t do anything but eat noodles and look at animal pictures on the internet), and valentine’s day (my favorite holiday because i like heart print stuff and ren & stimpy valentines and crap) was super super rough because the person i was *in LoVe* with was spending the day with the third corner of the love triangle.
at that point, i’d spent so long in bed depressed and mooning over this romance that i actually hurt my back from like, romantic atrophy of the ass, so i was laying on my couch crying, watching ‘the x-files,’ and taking a crazy amount of painkillers.  during this time, i noticed a weird baby wasp or something in my apartment who would land on me or the arm of my couch and watch me sleep, and i somehow convinced myself, in a painkiller haze, that he thought i was his mother. i like, talked to him and named him “rodney” and protected him from my cats and talked about him like he was a real… wasp… child. anyway, at 12:01 on valentine’s day that year, i accidentally leaned on rodney and he STUNG me and i was so shocked and hurt because at that point i was like, “rodney wouldn’t do that, he’s my son” (i realize that this sounds crazy but i was like, on a lot of painkillers and my family has a serious history of talking to insects, but that is for another time).  he was pretty injured from my elbow, but i didn’t want to kill him because we were family. after a few days of protecting his limping/dust covered body from my cats, he stung me again and i got peer-pressured into flushing him. normally i don’t kill bugs, but the force of my elbow had him in a bad way.

anyway,  i was basically in this state of delusion and wasp-adopting and romantic despair and pain, and my friends decided that taking me to the cherry hill mall might cheer me up, since there’s a few plus size stores there. i couldn’t find ANYTHING i liked since i’m not really a “retail therapy” type, but while i waited for my straight-size friend to find something at h&m, i impulse bought a heart-print hanky. it was so beautiful and romantic and perfect for catching all of my snot and tears !
which, by the way, is exactly what i used it for. and, being a superstitious person, i decided i could never, ever wash it or else the (hilariously doomed, but i was deluded at that point) relationship was DOOMED.  it actually worked for a few years- you know how sometimes if you let a dirty thing sit for awhile it’s magically clean? that kept happening ! and so, long after the doomed relationship met its doom (not with a bang, but a whimper) i continued to not wash it.
at this point, its magic has run out; it’s cruddy, smelly, stained, and stiff.  i brought it to work because it’s too gross to have in my house (priorities !) and i keep it under my desk in a dansko clog box.

there it is… standing up by itself, on its own stiff points made of crud, protecting an already-doomed romance i can barely remember !  it would be beautiful if it wasn’t so fucking gross.
i brought this up because i mis-remembered the print of the hanky and thought it looked like this ugly dress, but it totally doesn’t, so i wrote all that for nothing. maybe that dress will bring someone many years of grossness, too.

For those occasions when you don’t want to go to the picnic, but be the picnic blanket. 

submitted by sititran

editor’s note: my guess is that this is zulily? many years ago i was involved in like, an illicit love triangle that is so ridiculous that you wouldn’t even believe it if i told you but i’ll NEVER tell you because it’s a juicy secret i’m taking to my scandalous grave (really, it was really absurd for a mad magazine tomboy who doesn’t do anything but eat noodles and look at animal pictures on the internet), and valentine’s day (my favorite holiday because i like heart print stuff and ren & stimpy valentines and crap) was super super rough because the person i was *in LoVe* with was spending the day with the third corner of the love triangle.

at that point, i’d spent so long in bed depressed and mooning over this romance that i actually hurt my back from like, romantic atrophy of the ass, so i was laying on my couch crying, watching ‘the x-files,’ and taking a crazy amount of painkillers.  during this time, i noticed a weird baby wasp or something in my apartment who would land on me or the arm of my couch and watch me sleep, and i somehow convinced myself, in a painkiller haze, that he thought i was his mother. i like, talked to him and named him “rodney” and protected him from my cats and talked about him like he was a real… wasp… child.

anyway, at 12:01 on valentine’s day that year, i accidentally leaned on rodney and he STUNG me and i was so shocked and hurt because at that point i was like, “rodney wouldn’t do that, he’s my son” (i realize that this sounds crazy but i was like, on a lot of painkillers and my family has a serious history of talking to insects, but that is for another time).  he was pretty injured from my elbow, but i didn’t want to kill him because we were family. after a few days of protecting his limping/dust covered body from my cats, he stung me again and i got peer-pressured into flushing him. normally i don’t kill bugs, but the force of my elbow had him in a bad way.

anyway,  i was basically in this state of delusion and wasp-adopting and romantic despair and pain, and my friends decided that taking me to the cherry hill mall might cheer me up, since there’s a few plus size stores there. i couldn’t find ANYTHING i liked since i’m not really a “retail therapy” type, but while i waited for my straight-size friend to find something at h&m, i impulse bought a heart-print hanky. it was so beautiful and romantic and perfect for catching all of my snot and tears !

which, by the way, is exactly what i used it for. and, being a superstitious person, i decided i could never, ever wash it or else the (hilariously doomed, but i was deluded at that point) relationship was DOOMED.  it actually worked for a few years- you know how sometimes if you let a dirty thing sit for awhile it’s magically clean? that kept happening ! and so, long after the doomed relationship met its doom (not with a bang, but a whimper) i continued to not wash it.

at this point, its magic has run out; it’s cruddy, smelly, stained, and stiff.  i brought it to work because it’s too gross to have in my house (priorities !) and i keep it under my desk in a dansko clog box.

there it is… standing up by itself, on its own stiff points made of crud, protecting an already-doomed romance i can barely remember !  it would be beautiful if it wasn’t so fucking gross.

i brought this up because i mis-remembered the print of the hanky and thought it looked like this ugly dress, but it totally doesn’t, so i wrote all that for nothing. maybe that dress will bring someone many years of grossness, too.

  1. aryn-lee reblogged this from musingsfromthesoapbox
  2. marsh-mel-o reblogged this from wtfplus
  3. musingsfromthesoapbox reblogged this from wtfplus and added:
    The level of bizarre amazingness achieved with this story is something I don’t expect to see again in my lifetime.
  4. stroonicorn reblogged this from wtfplus
  5. notsothinlizzy reblogged this from wtfplus
  6. sarqthemighty reblogged this from wtfplus
  7. invraisemblable reblogged this from wtfplus
  8. diamonds-of-alcatraz reblogged this from wtfplus
  9. keepcalmandgrabamolotov reblogged this from masochisticbeaver
  10. arctowardsthesun reblogged this from wtfplus
  11. masochisticbeaver reblogged this from wtfplus
  12. sara-l-goodman reblogged this from wtfplus
  13. shulamithbond reblogged this from wtfplus
  14. catsket reblogged this from wtfplus
  15. ohdahling reblogged this from wtfplus
  16. wtfplus reblogged this from wtfplus and added:
    i am not above reblogging myself- my wasp just came up in conversation with a friend and i linked this entry and am...
  17. withywindlesdaughter reblogged this from wtfplus
  18. joannavaught reblogged this from wtfplus and added:
    i love so much about this.
  19. idontflossenough reblogged this from wtfplus
  20. you-might-think reblogged this from wtfplus
  21. elegansdepari reblogged this from wtfplus